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The following are a highlight of the many web sites and Internet Email's poking fun at Bin Laden and terrorism in general.

  1. AFLAC (Macromedia Flash)
    Have you seen the "AFLAC" commercial with the little duck trying to sell more insurance?

  2. Pakistan TV

    MONDAYS:
    8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
    8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
    9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
    9:30 - "3rd Rock From the Sand"
    10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

    TUESDAYS:
    8:00 - "Wheel of Terror"
    8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
    9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
    9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
    10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Slayer"

    WEDNESDAYS:
    8:00 - "Who Wants to be a Koran Perverter"
    8:30 - "When the Northern Alliance Attacks"
    9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
    9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
    10:00 - "Veilwatch"

    THURSDAYS:
    8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
    8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
    9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
    9:30 - "Sand Trek"
    10:00 - "Moammar & Mindy"

    FRIDAYS:
    8:00 - "Judge Laden"
    8:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
    9:00 - "Survivor...I hope"
    9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
    10:00 - "No-witness News"

    SATURDAYS:
    8:00 - "Let's Mecca Deal"
    8:30 - "Taliban Squares"
    9:00 - "This Old Tent"
    9:30 - "No Sex in the City"
    10:00 - "Mullah's Place"

    SUNDAYS:
    8:00 - "Who's Goat Is it Anyway?"
    8:30 - "The Bedouin Bunch"
    9:00 - "My Three Huns"
    9:30 - "The Sultan of Queens" 10:00 - "I Dream of Jiha

  3. Recruits of the Future - Unite!!!!!

    WE'LL FIGHT TO THE LAST 50-YEAR-OLD!

    A couple of weeks ago I indicated that if I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of  innocent people in New York City and Washington, D.C. But I'm 50 now and the Armed Forces says I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the Army.

    They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year- olds off to the fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35-years-old. For starters:

    Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10-seconds. Old guys think about sex every 15-seconds, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky and grumpy. A cranky and grumpy soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission or surrender. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

    An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal bottle of beer yet, and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink beer. An average old guy, on the other hand, has probably consumed at least 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack on and an M-60 over your shoulder would do wonders for a beer belly.

    An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early just to show we can [and to steal the neighbors newspaper.] If old guys got captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank and serial number would be a real brain teaser. If it wasn't for the age barrier, I'd pretty much be able to get into the Army without a hitch. According to the Army Internet site, I'd need to pass an entrance exam [officially called an ASVAB], but the simple questions I saw weren't exactly headachematerial. For example:

    A magnet will attract:

    (a) water
    (b) a flower
    (c) a cloth rag
    (d) a nail

    I took a wild stab at it and guessed, "nail," knowing they'd probably stick me in some desk job with Army Intelligence after Boot Camp.

    If 12 workers are needed to run 4 machines, how many workers are needed  to run 20 machines?

    (a) 16
    (b) 18
    (c) 3
    (d) 60

    Well, let's see now.....three workers per machine times 20 machines....err....60?

    Finally, they wanted to know if I had command of the English language, just in case I had to describe an enemy camp from memory.

    Now you know where the first questions come from for the "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" game show. Boot Camp would actually be easier for old guys.

    We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps. The Army could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been to the desert and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with a rope hanging over the side. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now. "Get down and give me.....er.....one!" And the running part seems to be a hell of a waste of good energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. I'm reminded of the story of the young bull and the old bull standing on a hill looking down at the cows. "Let's run down there and make love to one of those cows," says the young bull. "How about we WALK down there and! make love to ALL those cows," replies the old bull.

    Patience is something most 18-year-olds simply do not have. For good reason too. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.

    All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible death.

    Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten, filthy, cowards who attacked our country three weeks ago today.

    The last thing they'd want to see right now would be a couple of million old guys with attitudes!

  4. Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
    They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
    Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees.
    He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

    He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter.
    But all that he's done is just make us madder.
    We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut.
    And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy boot.

    And yes we remember the USS Cole.
    And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.
    You think you can rule us and cause us to fear.
    You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.
    And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam.
    And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs.

    You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide.
    They'll go down in history as the place where you died.
    Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death?
    He came very close, to his final breath.

    So come out and prove it, that you are a man.
    Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.
    They are our fathers and they are our sons.
    And they sure do carry some mighty big guns.
    They would have stayed home with children and wives.
    'Til you bastards came here and took all these lives.

    Osama I wrote this especially for you.
    For airmail delivery by B-52.
    You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle.
    Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.

    I will not be sorry to see your ass go.
    It's the Red, White, and Blue that is running this show.

  5. Letter to the DENTON RECORD CHRONICLE from
    Dwight Crawford Sr. of Sanger, Texas:

    TERRORISM-WHAT IS THAT?

    I get a big laugh at the dialogue of Osama bin Laden, the Taliban, politicians, and the news media. They say terrorists will hit us again in the oncoming weeks and months. What a joke! You have a better chance of getting killed on Interstate 35 than by a terrorist. Osama has probably seen 100 degree plus summers in Afghanistan, but he doesn't have fire ants to go with it. If he did he wouldn't be sleeping on the ground in his cave. He talks of pain and suffering he is going to inflict on us. He doesn't know what pain is until he gets kicked by a green broke, two year old colt in a freezing rain. Germ warfare? Texas ticks will give you Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and Lime disease, blister beetles kill your horses, green bugs destroy a wheat crop, and termites eat your house. Anthrax has killed Texas cattle for over 125 years. What's new? Our prairie dogs carry the plague, armadillos carry leprosy, and our bats and skunks carry rabies. We have rattlesnakes, copperheads, and water moccasins. Ho hum. They talk of gas and biological warfare. They have never pulled in behind a cattle truck while its raining, or ridden in the front seat of a pick-up between two cowboys after they just eaten a big bowl of Texas Red. Texas ain't for sissies! We have posted signs all over the state that say "Don't mess with Texas!" Osama, consider yourself warned!
    Published October 28, 2001

  6. A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

    "One Marine is better than ten taliban".

    The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

    The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than one hundred taliban".

    Furious, the taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences.

    After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

    The voice calls out again "One Marine is better than one thousand taliban".

    The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."

  7. Osama's prayer

    Twas the night before Ramadan
    As Osama, the louse
    Was plotting with Omar;
    His soon-to-be spouse.
    The Taliban were nestled,
    All snug in their caves
    And they dreamt of young virgins
    Who would soon be their slaves.
    Out in the desert,
    There arose such a clatter
    They crept from their caves
    To see what was the matter.
    Not far in the distance
    There came a strange sound.
    Lo and behold;
    They saw a mushroom-shaped cloud.
    Before Osama evaporated
    He knew it was true:
    His ass had been kicked
    By the Red, White, and Blue

  8. Marine bumper sticker

    It's GODs responsibility to forgive Bin Ladin
    its our responsibility to arrange the meeting!
    United States Marines

  9. WE WIN

    Dear Taliban, Mr. bin Laden, Mr. Arafat, and Mr Hussein, et al:

    We are pleased to announce that we unequivocally accept your challenge to an old fashioned game of Whoop-ass. Now that we understand the rule that there are no rules, we look forward to playing without them for the first time.

    Since this game is winner- take-all, we unfortunately will be unable to invite you to join us at the victory celebration. But rest assured that we will toast you -- LITERALLY.

    While we will admit that you are off to an impresive lead, it is, however, now our turn at the plate. By the way, we will be playing on your diamond now... Batter up!

    Our team line up is as follows:

    C0-Owners: The FATHER, SON, and HOLY GHOST

    Manager - George W. Bush Asst. Manager - Dick Cheney Head Coach - Colin Powell Asst' Coach - Donald Rumsfeld Starting Pitcher - Norman Schwartzkoff
    1st Base - U.S. Marine Corps
    2nd Base - U.S. Navy
    3rd Base - U.S. Air Force Shortstop and Clean up hitter - U.S. Army Outfield - Firemen and Policemen Umpire - None required (remember - the manager told you there'll be no discussion; no negotiation; and you didn't want rules, anyway!)

    Pinch hitters as needed - U.S. Navy Seals, U.S. Army Green Berets, U.S. Army Rangers, U.S. Air Force PJs, and Delta Force.

    And, since there are no rules, we've decided to add:
    4th Base - United Kingdom
    5th Base - Russia
    6th Base - China Other Bases (as desired) - Pakistan, Japan, Germany. France, Spain, Italy, Israel, Saudi Arabia, Eqypt, Turkistan and lots of other....Stans, and more.

    Opening ceremonies: Vocal 1: Celine Dion - The Star Spangled Banner Vocal 2 : Lee Greenwood - God Bless The U.S.A Vocal 3: Bruce Springsteen - Born In The U.S.A. Vocal 4: The Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Battle Hymn of the Republic

    You may choose whoever you want for your team... it won't really matter (even if you all shave), our guys are gonna win!

    Sincerely,

    On behalf of the 270,000,000 citizens of the United States of America

    p.s. May we recommend at this time that you give your soul to Allah; because your butt is OURS!!!!! Goodbye literally.

  10. Twas the Night Before Ramadan
    by: Mullah Mohammed Omar

    'Twas the night before Ramadan, and all through the cave
    Not a creature was stirring; it felt like a grave.
    The turbans were hung by the firepit with care,
    In hopes that the Air Force would not soon be there.

    The soldiers were restless without any beds,
    While visions of air strikes flashed in their heads.

    Osama in his burkha and I in my goatskin cap,
    Had just settled down for a cold, barren winter's nap,
    When out on the ledge there arose such a clatter,
    I grabbed my Kalashnikov to see what was the matter.

    Away from the racket I ran like a girl,
    Tripped over a goat; into a ball I did curl.
    The moon shone down on the new-fallen snow
    And lit up the valley with an ominous glow,
    When, what to my one good eye should appear,
    But a dozen Apaches, and tanks in the rear,

    And their leader, so fearless, his troops he did push,
    I knew in an instant it must be George Bush.
    More rapid than eagles his forces they came,
    And they whistled, and shouted, and called out our names;
    "Now Omar! Osama! Muhammad! Abdul!
    We come for you now; we've taken Kabul!
    To the top of the cliffs! To the back of their caves!
    When you chose this war, you dug your own graves!"

    As the dry leaves that before the assault choppers fly,
    When they meet with an obstacle, light up the sky,
    So up to the ledge his forces they flew
    With full magazines, and flame-throwers too.
    And then, in a twinkling, I heard with a thud
    The explosions of Tomahawks; not one was a dud.
    As I chambered my rifle, and was turning around,
    Osama was there, disguised in a gown.

    He was dressed all in drag, from his head to his toes,
    And he said he would flee while I held off his foes;

    A bundle of money he had stuffed in his pack,
    He said "I'm going to Baghdad and I'm not looking back!"
    His eyes were all glassy; he trembled with fear;
    The American bombs, they rang in his ears.
    He saddled his goat, then turned tail and fled,
    But a Marine Corps sniper got him in the head.

    I watched with cold fear as his body did slump;
    The goat threw him off; he fell with a thump.
    And so, there I stood, my plans all destroyed,
    About to suffer a fate I could not avoid;

    I dropped to my knees; asked Allah for help,
    His voice boomed in my ears, "You ignorant whelp!
    I gave you the Bible, the Torah and Koran,
    But you were too arrogant to understand,
    I told you to honor your neighbors and wives;
    Not to enslave them, or degrade their lives!
    You invoke My name to sanction your deeds,
    But you are the last thing that this world needs.
    And so, I'll send you and bin Laden to Hell."

    The last words I heard, as the bombs fell,
    Were from George Bush himself as he mounted the wall,
    "One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all!"
     
  11. Post 9/11 Advertising Campaigns

    11. In Trojans We Thrust!
    10. Keep America rolling - ZigZag.
    09. If you change the channel then the terrorists have already won. So keep your eye on CBS.
    08. At least we're safer than Afghanistan - Detroit Chamber of Commerce.
    07. Reach out and touch someone without the dangers of flying! - AT & T
    06. Come back and discover that we're Indian not Arab - 7-11
    05. Not all white powder is bad - Sugar Farmers of America
    04. Osama got you down? Try Prozac.
    03. Kill yourself before the terrorists do - Phillip Morris.
    02. God Bless America, Buy Kleenex!
    01. Flying it's still safer than driving, hunting, smoking, unprotected intercourse! - American Airlines.
     
  12. The Talibanana Song

    Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
    Daylight come and you bomb our home
    Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
    Daylight come and you bomb our home

    Public enemy number one
    Daylight come and you bomb our home
    Big mistake, we gotta lotta gun
    Daylight come and you bomb our home
    Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
    Daylight come and you bomb our home
    Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
    Daylight come and you bomb our home

    Come, Afghan Taliban, gather up bin Laden
    Or daylight come, we gonna bomb your home
    Come, Afghan Taliban, gather up bin Laden
    Or daylight come, we gonna bomb your home
    Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
    Daylight come, we gonna bomb your home
    Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
    Daylight come, we gonna bomb your home

    Grow six inch, seven inch, eight inch beard
    Daylight come and we bomb your home
    Grow six inch, seven inch, eight inch beard
    Daylight come and we bomb your home

    You say you do it cause it in Koran-a
    Daylight come and you bomb our home
    Destroy the symbols of Americana
    Daylight come and you bomb our home
    Crash the plane and here come Nirvana
    Daylight come and you bomb our home
    End up in hell because you are insana
    Daylight come and we bomb your home

    Drop six foot, seven foot, eight foot bomb
    Daylight come and you have no home
    Drop six foot, seven foot, eight foot bomb
    Daylight come and you have no home
    Day, it sad day-ay-ay-o
    Daylight come and you bomb our home
    Day, me sad day, me sad day, me sad day,
    Daylight come and we bomb your home.
     
  13. Twas the night before Payback and all through the Land,
    They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan,
    Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees,
    He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas.
    He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and Shatter,
    But all that he's done is just make us Madder.
    We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
    And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy Boot.
    And yes we remember the USS Cole,
    And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole.
    You think you can rule us and cause us to Fear,
    You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear.
    And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
    And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs.
    You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide.
    They'll go down in history as the place where you Died.
    Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death?
    He came very close,to his final Breath.
    So come out and prove it, that you are a Man,
    Cause our boys are coming and they have a Plan.
    They are our fathers and they are our Sons,
    And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
    They would have stayed home with children and Wives,
    Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.
    Osama I wrote this especially for You,
    For air mail delivery by B-52.
    You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
    Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missile.
    I will not be sorry to see your ass Go.
    It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this Show
     
  14. Understanding Muslim terrorists

    I understand why radical Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Just look at their lifestyle:

    * No premarital sex.
    * No booze. None. Never.
    * No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV.
    * No Spice channel. No Playboy channel.
    * No ESPN.
    * No Hooters!!.
    * No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
    * No organized sports of any kind. That's right-NO sports!!!.
    * Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs. No Victoria's Secret Stuff.
    * Very, very, very few cars. Camels, Lots of camels, stinking, filthy camels.
    * Sand, *&^%** sand everywhere!
    * More sand.
    * Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.
    * Sandstorms. More **$#@ sand everywhere!
    * Rags for clothes and hats.
    * Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips
    * Eating with your right hand only-because you wipe yourself with your left hand. Toilet tissue unknown.
    * Constant wailing from next door ...no, wait, that's music!

    And when you die it's supposed to all get better....No wonder they bloody volunteer......
     
  15. Misunderstanding

    After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

    Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!"  Henry punches Osama on the nose.

    James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

    Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.  As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

    As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "this is not what I was promised!"

    An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

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